So Lyla decided to make spaghetti for dinner on Sunday and we invited Christian to come eat with us. But he said that he was a picky eater and said it'd be better if ate out instead. I think he was scurred that he wouldn't like the food and might offend Lyla. Anyway, we decided to meet up at 6:30 pm at PF Chang's. Lyla invited her brother and his girlfriend along as well.
Anyway, I started to get nervous around 4:00 because I had a feeling I'd be the one driving me/Lyla/Bao/Han to Sunnyvale. I tend to get nervous in a full car especially when people are present that don't know about my panic attacks. So I started sweating alot. I'm not sure how much of the sweating was due to anxiety or due to the really hot weather, but I began to panic.
I told Lyla to tell Bao and Han to take a separate car. I felt ashamed and I felt grumpy. I felt like blaming Christian for not taking the free spaghetti that would have been comfortably eaten at Lyla's apartment instead of at a public restaurant. I felt like blaming Lyla for inviting Bao and Han knowing that it might put me in this situation.
But the good thing is, I acknowledged all this emotion right when they hit me. I didn't end up blaming Lyla. I didn't end up blaming Christian. I didn't beat myself up for giving myself a break to take separate cars. Instead, I vowed to make sure this situation happens again but with me driving everyone and decided to just have a good time at dinner. And I think we all had a good time there.
I think I handled this situation quite well.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
A metaphor from Tony Robbins
While I was working out at the gym today, I was listening to Tony Robbins' audiobook and he talked about a metaphor that pretty much applies to every form of conditioning: mental conditioning, physical conditioning, emotional... etc.
He talked about how he has an old grand piano that had been out of tune for years. One day he decided to have it tuned by a professional because his kids wanted to learn to play. So the piano tuner came by and adjusted the tensions of the strings. Surprisingly, the tuner said he had to come back the next week. When asked why, he answered that it had been out of tune so long that he would have to repeatedly tune it, more-so in the near future. So he would have to retune it a week from now, then 2 weeks from now, then a month from now, then 2 months from now... until it comes to a point where you only have to tune it twice a year.
The same kind of principle can be applied to working out. If you haven't worked out in a long time, it can take a great deal of effort in the beginning to get back into shape. Once you're in shape, all it takes is a little fine tuning here and there to stay fit.
It also applies to panic disorder. In the beginning, it's REALLY tough to get yourself back out there. There's a great deal of fine-tuning to be done in the beginning. Alot of meditation, alot of exercise, alot of relaxation, alot of exposure. After awhile it gets easier, but it still requires hard work.
He talked about how he has an old grand piano that had been out of tune for years. One day he decided to have it tuned by a professional because his kids wanted to learn to play. So the piano tuner came by and adjusted the tensions of the strings. Surprisingly, the tuner said he had to come back the next week. When asked why, he answered that it had been out of tune so long that he would have to repeatedly tune it, more-so in the near future. So he would have to retune it a week from now, then 2 weeks from now, then a month from now, then 2 months from now... until it comes to a point where you only have to tune it twice a year.
The same kind of principle can be applied to working out. If you haven't worked out in a long time, it can take a great deal of effort in the beginning to get back into shape. Once you're in shape, all it takes is a little fine tuning here and there to stay fit.
It also applies to panic disorder. In the beginning, it's REALLY tough to get yourself back out there. There's a great deal of fine-tuning to be done in the beginning. Alot of meditation, alot of exercise, alot of relaxation, alot of exposure. After awhile it gets easier, but it still requires hard work.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Successful BBQ Weekend
Went to Modesto with the family + Lyla. Went really well. I think I was most anxious the day before we left to Modesto. That Friday, I think I was feeling the anticipatory anxiety I get before a big social weekend.
We left San Jose around 9 am; the Starbucks we stopped by was really crowded, but I had no anxiety. The drive was little to no anxiety. I did feel a little anxiety when it was just me and Lyla taking care of the babies, but I think that's normal because Spencie was crying out for his mommy.
Sunday was exhausting. We woke up early to go to church, then had lunch at Chili's. Then we played poker all afternoon (where and Lyla won $24 combined off the family). Then we had dinner at Chevy's. Then I drove back to San Jose after pumping myself up with diet pepsi. When we got there, me and Lyla had to move a couch, a mattress and some other things to the sidewalk for annual clean-up. I almost got grumpy but I think I maintained my cool pretty well.
All-in-all, I'd say it was a great step in the right direction.
We left San Jose around 9 am; the Starbucks we stopped by was really crowded, but I had no anxiety. The drive was little to no anxiety. I did feel a little anxiety when it was just me and Lyla taking care of the babies, but I think that's normal because Spencie was crying out for his mommy.
Sunday was exhausting. We woke up early to go to church, then had lunch at Chili's. Then we played poker all afternoon (where and Lyla won $24 combined off the family). Then we had dinner at Chevy's. Then I drove back to San Jose after pumping myself up with diet pepsi. When we got there, me and Lyla had to move a couch, a mattress and some other things to the sidewalk for annual clean-up. I almost got grumpy but I think I maintained my cool pretty well.
All-in-all, I'd say it was a great step in the right direction.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sleepy today
Skipped my meds last night. Was really tired this morning. I'm not sure if skipping meds has that effect on me or not. I'm going to talk to my doc and see if splitting the dosage into 12.5 mg tablets and take it everyday is better than skipping every once in a while.
On a good note, I hit the treadmill yesterday for 1 hour. I did some sprints on it and just felt the heart rate and sweat. Feels good not to ignore the symptoms and just let it flow naturally.
On a good note, I hit the treadmill yesterday for 1 hour. I did some sprints on it and just felt the heart rate and sweat. Feels good not to ignore the symptoms and just let it flow naturally.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Restless night of sleep
Sunday night was one of those nights; where no matter what you do, you can't fall asleep. Tossed, turned. Then got up for a while, then went back to bed, tossed and turned. Monday wasn't too bad, but I was pretty much out of it the whole day. No real anxiety, just spaced-out.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Zero mg
So I didn't take any Zoloft last night. I don't feel any different today than I did yesterday. I think I was sleepier this morning. Me and my doctor are working on getting me to be Zoloft-free eventually, and he instructed me to stay on 25 mg and to just skip a dose once in a while when I plan on having a pretty stress-free day.
I plan on keeping up posts on days where I skip my dose vs. days where I take the full dose and see if I notice any difference.
I plan on keeping up posts on days where I skip my dose vs. days where I take the full dose and see if I notice any difference.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
More Tennis and Facing the Gaggy Feeling
Played tennis again today. Felt pretty anxious because I was already pretty sore from working out at the gym twice over the weekend. I was afraid I would over-exhaust myself and get some panic symptoms.
As expected, I got the usual rapid heartbeat, out of breathedness, dry-mouth, some dizziness, and that feeling that you might not be able to catch your breath. I mean, that's to be expected when you're running up and down the court for a whole hour. Sprinting, hitting the ball, sprinting, etc. This time though, instead of ignoring the feelings, I completely let myself feel the effects. The feeling I think I'm most sensitive to is the choking feeling/feeling like I can't breathe. So while I faced this feeling, I had a flashback to my days back at UCLA. I remember whenever I would start my day and head towards the bus to take to campus, I would have a panic attack and I felt like I was going to puke. I felt like I was dryheaving and my eyes would water. It's weird how that memory hit me right then and there. Like I was peeling back layers of fear and memories as I faced the symptoms.
I feel much more empowered now when dealing with panic symptoms. I feel like I'm facing them head-on instead of just deep breathing and relaxing myself through them. I've been getting by pretty well using my relaxation techniques, positive self-talk and just overall ignoring my symptoms. But now that I'm doing this whole, "let - myself - thoroughly - experience - each - symptom - without - any - thoughts - of - escaping - from - them" thing, I think I'm making even more progress than ever before.
As expected, I got the usual rapid heartbeat, out of breathedness, dry-mouth, some dizziness, and that feeling that you might not be able to catch your breath. I mean, that's to be expected when you're running up and down the court for a whole hour. Sprinting, hitting the ball, sprinting, etc. This time though, instead of ignoring the feelings, I completely let myself feel the effects. The feeling I think I'm most sensitive to is the choking feeling/feeling like I can't breathe. So while I faced this feeling, I had a flashback to my days back at UCLA. I remember whenever I would start my day and head towards the bus to take to campus, I would have a panic attack and I felt like I was going to puke. I felt like I was dryheaving and my eyes would water. It's weird how that memory hit me right then and there. Like I was peeling back layers of fear and memories as I faced the symptoms.
I feel much more empowered now when dealing with panic symptoms. I feel like I'm facing them head-on instead of just deep breathing and relaxing myself through them. I've been getting by pretty well using my relaxation techniques, positive self-talk and just overall ignoring my symptoms. But now that I'm doing this whole, "let - myself - thoroughly - experience - each - symptom - without - any - thoughts - of - escaping - from - them" thing, I think I'm making even more progress than ever before.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Progress
Had a great weekend. I tried to stay focused on any panic symptom that came my way. I hit the gym both on Saturday and Sunday and just let myself feel the pounding heart, sweating and out of breathedness.
This morning, I went to Mandatory Settlement Conferences on two separate cases. I settled both and didn't panic even a little.
Progress, thy name is... Jason. Or something that makes sense.
This morning, I went to Mandatory Settlement Conferences on two separate cases. I settled both and didn't panic even a little.
Progress, thy name is... Jason. Or something that makes sense.
Friday, April 4, 2008
How to help alleviate person panicking
Michael just posted a good find on how a safety person/partner/friend can be helpful during a panic attack:
http://dapanicroom.blogspot.com/2008/04/tips-on-how-to-alleviate-panic-attack.html
http://dapanicroom.blogspot.com/2008/04/tips-on-how-to-alleviate-panic-attack.html
New goals
Okay so now that I've reached a liveable point in my life with regard to my anxiety, i.e. I can live a regular life and perform as an attorney, I think it's time to set new goals to further my progress.
Next step goals:
1. Be able to take the bus anywhere
2. Be able to fly short distances
3. Comfortably go with large groups to functions without me being the driver and without an easy escape
I think that's good enough for now haha. So how do I reach those goals? I think I need to decide to take on some weekly goals.
Weekly goals
1. At least 3 times a week, practice interoceptive desensitization (i.e. forcing myself into hyperventilation, rapid rate or dizziness)
2. At least 5 times a week, meditate/deep breathing for 10 minutes
3. Get exercise 3 times a week
4. Begin real-life exposure to bus rides, airports and group functions.
Next step goals:
1. Be able to take the bus anywhere
2. Be able to fly short distances
3. Comfortably go with large groups to functions without me being the driver and without an easy escape
I think that's good enough for now haha. So how do I reach those goals? I think I need to decide to take on some weekly goals.
Weekly goals
1. At least 3 times a week, practice interoceptive desensitization (i.e. forcing myself into hyperventilation, rapid rate or dizziness)
2. At least 5 times a week, meditate/deep breathing for 10 minutes
3. Get exercise 3 times a week
4. Begin real-life exposure to bus rides, airports and group functions.
First Tennis in about 6 months
Played tennis for the first time in 6 months yesterday. I was a little anxious about it because of the rapid heart rate, out of breathedness and exertion involved. Overall I think it went pretty well. I was hitting the ball well and I only felt maybe a level 6/10 anxiety at a few points. I know now that feeling that kind of anxiety is a good thing because it means I'm making progress. I had to take like 3 breaks to catch my breath, but I think that's more of an out-of-shape thing rather than an anxiety thing.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Intensive Exposure Therapy
This video is pretty accurate on what exposure and desensitization is like. Basically, by confronting the fear head-on repeatedly, you begin to decrease the stranglehold the phobia has on you. Thanks to Michael for the link to this video.
Intro
Hello everyone (approximately, let's say 9 people total will read this),
This is my journal of bouts I've had with anxiety along with some random posts that pertain to panic disorder with agoraphobia. A good friend of mine who is currently struggling with this disorder suggested I do something like this. I thought it was a good idea.
At this point in my life, I felt I've done a decent job handling my Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. The first panic attack I can remember happened when I was 15. Gradually I developed panic disorder with agoraphobia. But, through help from family, friends, prayer, and a ton of reading on the matter, I've somehow gotten my undergraduate degree and my law degree. I've been working as an attorney for 2 years now and I have a wonderful girlfriend. So things are great to say the least.
That being said, I still feel some anxiety now that I'm down to 25 mg of Zoloft, of which I take only 4-5 days/week on average. At one point I was on 100 mg every day. I've began to feel things more: both the highs and lows.
But! On a scale of 1-10, 1 being no panic at all, and 10 being a full-blown panic attack, I haven't had anything above a 6 in a long time. I can't remember the last time I had a full blown attack. But let's not jinx it.
This is my journal of bouts I've had with anxiety along with some random posts that pertain to panic disorder with agoraphobia. A good friend of mine who is currently struggling with this disorder suggested I do something like this. I thought it was a good idea.
At this point in my life, I felt I've done a decent job handling my Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. The first panic attack I can remember happened when I was 15. Gradually I developed panic disorder with agoraphobia. But, through help from family, friends, prayer, and a ton of reading on the matter, I've somehow gotten my undergraduate degree and my law degree. I've been working as an attorney for 2 years now and I have a wonderful girlfriend. So things are great to say the least.
That being said, I still feel some anxiety now that I'm down to 25 mg of Zoloft, of which I take only 4-5 days/week on average. At one point I was on 100 mg every day. I've began to feel things more: both the highs and lows.
But! On a scale of 1-10, 1 being no panic at all, and 10 being a full-blown panic attack, I haven't had anything above a 6 in a long time. I can't remember the last time I had a full blown attack. But let's not jinx it.
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