I think confronting difficult situations like the CAAA dinner has given me strength to go out and do other things more easily.
Yesterday, I went to church, then Costco, then saw Iron Man, then In-n-Out (super crowded too), with very little anxiety.
I think these challenges are a very good thing.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Challenge #1: CAAA Dinner
So, I feel really good about how challenge #1 went. I had a notebook with me to take notes on the lecture, so I was able to make notes on my anxiety at the same time. I tracked my level of anxiety from 0-10, 10 being the highest level of anxiety, i.e. a full-blown panic attack, and 0 being completely relaxed, i.e. almost falling asleep.
5:20 Anxiety level 6. Anticipating my dad picking me up to head over to Watsonville for the CAAA dinner over at the restaurant. About 20 lawyers will be there with a well-known Internal Medicine doctor giving us a presentation. I have never been to the restaurant and I don't know Watsonville very well.
5:30 Anxiety level 7. Dad picks me up and we start heading towards Watsonville.
5:45 Anxiety level 7. Stuck behind a truck on the highway. Going about 30 mph in traffic in an area I don't know.
6:00 Anxiety level 8. Arrived at the restaurant. Feeling a little shaky. I'm greeted by the CAAA president. I make a few jokes despite feeling nervous.
6:15 Anxiety level 7. I'm seated, making conversation with different people at the table. I'm drinking alot of water. I tend to get dry mouthed when I'm nervous.
6:30 Anxiety level 5. Lecture started. I'm starting to feel comfortable.
6:45 Anxiety level 3. My steak and salad are brought to me. I'm comfortable enough to have an appetite. I eat and take notes.
7:00 Anxiety level 2. Taking notes on the lecture.
7:23 Anxiety level 5. Having thoughts about feeling "trapped" because the bill isn't paid yet and needing to go to the restroom in the middle of the lecture. I drank too much water.
7:25 Anxiety level 4. I feel less anxious all of a sudden.
7:35 Anxiety level 3. Lecture is finished, bill is being paid.
7:40 Anxiety level 2. I have an epiphany: my goal should be to try to make more conversation and stay longer than anticipated. If I make this a habit, then it will counteract my habit of wanting to leave the situation as early as possible.
7:45 Anxiety level 2. Proud of myself for not overeating. Left 1/3 of my steak on the plate. Noticed that the lecturing doctor did not eat most of his meal. Maybe he was nervous about lecturing.
7:55 Anxiety level 1. Everyone is getting up to leave.
8:00 Anxiety level 1. Heading back to Salinas. Taking a new route back home but I'm not bothered. Everytime I have anxiety that goes up as high as 7+, I feel great if I just let it pass and I feel stronger the rest of the night.
Anyway, I got home and felt great. I hope all my future challenges go this well.
5:20 Anxiety level 6. Anticipating my dad picking me up to head over to Watsonville for the CAAA dinner over at the restaurant. About 20 lawyers will be there with a well-known Internal Medicine doctor giving us a presentation. I have never been to the restaurant and I don't know Watsonville very well.
5:30 Anxiety level 7. Dad picks me up and we start heading towards Watsonville.
5:45 Anxiety level 7. Stuck behind a truck on the highway. Going about 30 mph in traffic in an area I don't know.
6:00 Anxiety level 8. Arrived at the restaurant. Feeling a little shaky. I'm greeted by the CAAA president. I make a few jokes despite feeling nervous.
6:15 Anxiety level 7. I'm seated, making conversation with different people at the table. I'm drinking alot of water. I tend to get dry mouthed when I'm nervous.
6:30 Anxiety level 5. Lecture started. I'm starting to feel comfortable.
6:45 Anxiety level 3. My steak and salad are brought to me. I'm comfortable enough to have an appetite. I eat and take notes.
7:00 Anxiety level 2. Taking notes on the lecture.
7:23 Anxiety level 5. Having thoughts about feeling "trapped" because the bill isn't paid yet and needing to go to the restroom in the middle of the lecture. I drank too much water.
7:25 Anxiety level 4. I feel less anxious all of a sudden.
7:35 Anxiety level 3. Lecture is finished, bill is being paid.
7:40 Anxiety level 2. I have an epiphany: my goal should be to try to make more conversation and stay longer than anticipated. If I make this a habit, then it will counteract my habit of wanting to leave the situation as early as possible.
7:45 Anxiety level 2. Proud of myself for not overeating. Left 1/3 of my steak on the plate. Noticed that the lecturing doctor did not eat most of his meal. Maybe he was nervous about lecturing.
7:55 Anxiety level 1. Everyone is getting up to leave.
8:00 Anxiety level 1. Heading back to Salinas. Taking a new route back home but I'm not bothered. Everytime I have anxiety that goes up as high as 7+, I feel great if I just let it pass and I feel stronger the rest of the night.
Anyway, I got home and felt great. I hope all my future challenges go this well.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
New Tests
Okay, I think I'm getting stagnant with my agoraphobia progress.
So, new goal: once every 2 weeks, I'm going to do something that is likely to bring my panic to a level 7 or higher. E.g. take a bus somewhere, go to a new place where I'm not driving... maybe even ride a rollercoaster if I'm feeling tough enough.
Tonight, I'm attending a lawyer's meeting for CAAA (California Applicant Attorney Association). It will be in Watsonville at a restaurant I've never been and my dad is driving. Now I know it would seem like having my dad drive would be a comfort, but it isn't; I'd much rather be the one driving. The reason is because I have always had this thing where I don't want to show any weakness in front of my dad. I feel like I'm letting him down. Therefore, I end up putting pressure on myself not to panic.
So that's challenge #1 for the new goal. I'll let you know how it goes.
So, new goal: once every 2 weeks, I'm going to do something that is likely to bring my panic to a level 7 or higher. E.g. take a bus somewhere, go to a new place where I'm not driving... maybe even ride a rollercoaster if I'm feeling tough enough.
Tonight, I'm attending a lawyer's meeting for CAAA (California Applicant Attorney Association). It will be in Watsonville at a restaurant I've never been and my dad is driving. Now I know it would seem like having my dad drive would be a comfort, but it isn't; I'd much rather be the one driving. The reason is because I have always had this thing where I don't want to show any weakness in front of my dad. I feel like I'm letting him down. Therefore, I end up putting pressure on myself not to panic.
So that's challenge #1 for the new goal. I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Too much water anxiety
Sometimes I have this thing where I think too much about having to go to the bathroom. I try not to drink too much water before going to a place I know I'll have to sit still for a long time. For example, before I take a road trip or before mass. But the more I think about it, the more it seems like I have to take a whiz.
Yesterday, I went to church with the family: there was me, Lyla, James, Lory, Mom and Pops. I went to the bathroom before leaving but around 30 minutes into the mass I started to worry about having to get up to go to the restroom. I was sitting in the middle pew, and there were 5 people to the left of me, 5 to the right of me. So I began to feel a little cramped. I also imagined that I somehow would lose control of my bladder and would have to immediately go home and it would cause a scene.
I'm not sure why that thought frequently hits my mind: the idea that I have to have an immediate escape and that somehow I will act upon that idea. I can't think of a time where I panicked and immediately insisted that I leave or someone take me home. I guess once in high school before I knew what panic disorder was, but that was 10 years ago.
Anyway, I decided that I would prove to myself that I can hold it and that I can just let the panic thoughts pass by as I observe the symptoms. I ended up holding it from 5:30 to 7:00 pm. I should remind myself of this time that I can wait it out and there is no emergency to go to the bathroom or leave the situation.
Yesterday, I went to church with the family: there was me, Lyla, James, Lory, Mom and Pops. I went to the bathroom before leaving but around 30 minutes into the mass I started to worry about having to get up to go to the restroom. I was sitting in the middle pew, and there were 5 people to the left of me, 5 to the right of me. So I began to feel a little cramped. I also imagined that I somehow would lose control of my bladder and would have to immediately go home and it would cause a scene.
I'm not sure why that thought frequently hits my mind: the idea that I have to have an immediate escape and that somehow I will act upon that idea. I can't think of a time where I panicked and immediately insisted that I leave or someone take me home. I guess once in high school before I knew what panic disorder was, but that was 10 years ago.
Anyway, I decided that I would prove to myself that I can hold it and that I can just let the panic thoughts pass by as I observe the symptoms. I ended up holding it from 5:30 to 7:00 pm. I should remind myself of this time that I can wait it out and there is no emergency to go to the bathroom or leave the situation.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Avoidance
I'm at a point where I'm pretty comfortable doing what I need to function in society.
I can go out for meals with friends and family (99% of the time I like to be the one driving for easy escape). I can appear at legal conferences and depositions. I sleep well at night. I drive easily back and forth from San Jose to visit my girlfriend. I can go shopping at the mall (preferably by myself with a car). I can go see movies (preferably not on opening night). I can go on trips to Reno and play poker in the casinos (though I'm usually exhausted after the weekend). Elevators have rarely bothered me like it does most agoraphobics.
But there are things I'm still avoiding. Like: public transportation, large social outtings where I'm not driving, trips out of town where I've never been, airplanes, swimming in the deep end... that's all I can think of for now.
I'm going to make a promise to myself that I'm going to do one new thing every month. I am not content with staying at the same level. I have to keep moving forward with my goals.
I can go out for meals with friends and family (99% of the time I like to be the one driving for easy escape). I can appear at legal conferences and depositions. I sleep well at night. I drive easily back and forth from San Jose to visit my girlfriend. I can go shopping at the mall (preferably by myself with a car). I can go see movies (preferably not on opening night). I can go on trips to Reno and play poker in the casinos (though I'm usually exhausted after the weekend). Elevators have rarely bothered me like it does most agoraphobics.
But there are things I'm still avoiding. Like: public transportation, large social outtings where I'm not driving, trips out of town where I've never been, airplanes, swimming in the deep end... that's all I can think of for now.
I'm going to make a promise to myself that I'm going to do one new thing every month. I am not content with staying at the same level. I have to keep moving forward with my goals.
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