Challenge #3: Rock the Bells concert

This was another step in the right direction. When I first got here, I was sweating like crazy cuz it was super hot and crowded. I started getting nervous and decided to leave right away. But I calmed myself down and stayed for 2-3 hours. I had a lot of fun especially seeing Pharcyde. Thanks to Lyla for being supportive during the anxiety attacks. And, thanks to Cyn for the tickets!

Things to Remember

There are a few things that I took away from last weekend that I shouldn't forget.

1. No matter how much I stress and worry and panic the day before a challenging event, I can get through the event. The day before moving day, I was extremely stressed and worried that I couldn't be counted on to drive the cargo van. I even panicked and cancelled lunch with Christian. I thought that panic was a sign of the failure to come. But it turned out much better than I expected.

2. That tingling hands and feet do not, in any way, decrease my ability to use those limbs. I was afraid that they would go stiff and not be able to drive. But it turns out that I can still move my arm. In fact, I prove it to myself by dancing a little.

3. That I can get a good night's sleep the day before a big event. This sort of thing may not be big to you guys, but I was super nervous about it. But somehow I was able to get 8 hours of sleep the night before. I used relaxation techniques and reminded myself that I could get through the day even without sleep. That took the pressure off me to fall asleep and thus allowed me to relax enough to eventually doze off.

I need to use this success as a jumping point to even more difficult challenges. I think the best way to do that is to keep the above in mind to give me strength.

Super tested this weekend

My anxiety was tested a great deal this weekend. I think I drove about 200 miles total this weekend. Maybe more. Here were the uncomfortable tasks:

1. Driving to the airport as a passenger.
2. Driving a cargo van from the airport to Santa Clara.
3. Loading the cargo van with boxes in hot weather.
4. Driving the cargo van from Santa Clara to Union City (30 miles).
5. Unloading the cargo van; weather was better in Union City though.
6. Driving the van from Union City back to Santa Clara (30 miles again).
7. Loading the van again.
8. Driving the van from Santa Clara to San Jose (15 miles).
9. Unloading the van.
10. Dropping off the van back at the airport and waiting at the airport to be picked up by Lyla.
11. Being a passenger in Lyla's car, picking up her friend in San Jose, dropping her friend off in a new area I've never been.
12. Passenger in Lyla's car Driving back to Santa Clara to pick up some final stuff.
13. Driving to San Jose in my own car.

The most difficult task by far was driving the cargo van to Union City. That sucker was huge. Plus it only had two windows in the front, but none in the back, so the blind spots made it difficult to change lanes. About halfway through the trip, I began to feel pretty nervous. I felt my hands go numb and my legs tingle. I also felt my stomach turn. By the time I got to Lyla's aunt's house, I was pretty shook up. But after that, I felt fine driving the van.

I just kept taking deep breaths and reminding myself that the symptoms cannot harm me and that eventually they pass. I feel like I can do so much more now.

Stronger Than Ever

Today I feel stronger than ever. I think confronting my fears head-on has been really beneficial for long term strength. It feels like CRAP at the time, let me tell you. But I think full-on bite-the-bullet type stuff is what it takes to make long lasting changes.

I had like a dozen panic attacks last weekend - from the CAAA Seminar and at church and dinner. I felt terrible those 3 days. Then I was weary on Monday. But Tuesday and Wednesday were shockingly easy - and these are days that usually would have been stress-filled. I had 4 court appearances and plenty of work to do. Yet I got through them with ease.

So, like I said, I'm feeling stronger than ever. I don't think I'll be increasing my medication intake anytime soon.

Challenge #2: CAAA Seminar

I had a pretty big panic attack on Friday at the CAAA seminar in Monterey. I think I had too much coffee too soon and it made me jittery, which in turn made me anxious. Instead of ignoring it or getting up and leaving, I decided to document my thoughts on my notepad:


~3:30 on 6/26/06 @ Monterey, CA CAAA Seminar
Had a panic attack... anxiety attack? Feel fine. A little shaky. I remember this point. This is the point where I feel like I made a mistake in decreasing my medication.

But maybe this is the point where I'm supposed to stick it out and to be cured forever? Let's re-evaluate it again in 2 weeks.

I feel trapped, so I took a walk to my car (cross the street from WAMU towards Taco Bell. Stay on that street, take a left @ Jamba Juice. Take stairs on left @ public parking on Tyler/Franklin. Car is on the right).

Symptoms: hands are tingly, haert was pounding (but not right now), mind is racing;

Maybe I drank too much coffee.

I can lose out on 4 MCLE credits if I leave without signing out.

Still a little shaky. Every bone in my body is telling me: run home!

Let's wait it out another 10 minutes.

Doing deep breathing - I'm supposed to be doing this. First thing to do is to control my breathing.

8/10 anxiety right now. Let's see where it goes. The lady in the elevator was able to handle it.

There's gonna be traffic on the way home. No easy escape this time.

Remember how well you did in Gilroy the past couple times.

Why didn't I Change the batteries on my phone?

I'm going to take a few minutes to relax for a bit.

Anxiety always passes; it's just a matter of time. 1. I won't die. 2. I won't faint. 3. I won't go crazy. Therefore, if all 3 are true, there is no reason for me to immediately leave.

What if somebody sees me nervous? So what? Everyone panics. Even if I appear extremely nervous, it's very unlikely they'd remember my "strange behavior". Plus I probably appear "normal".

Ok, wow I feel better.

I feel alot better.

I feel better than I did before the anxiety.

I must remember this moment the next time I feel the symptoms.

I feel kinda bad that I got up and walked around to my car - but I'm proud of myself for coming back and sticking it thru.

Some fears that come to mind: what if my legs "freeze" as in, I can't control them? What if I end up locking myself up in a bathroom? What if I end up hiding in a corner of Alvarado street? Cops might have to show up and take me away for loitering. What if I can't drive home? I wish I didn't eat that philly steak sandwich - I might have a heart attack.

Things I've decided to do that haven't been done:
1. Meditate more
2. Decrease coffee in-take
3. Get adequate sleep
4. Get adequate exercise
5. Eat more healthy foods.

End of my panic notes.


I guess I wasn't panicking at 10/10 or else I would have probably been to nervous to even write so much. It's interesting that I felt great after the panic subsided. I'm a little nervous about the next few days: court appearances tomorrow and Wednesday, then Modesto this weekend. I'll let you know how it goes.

Realizations

I don't know if I've ever acknowledged this before. It's so basic. I've got a fear of 2 things that seem to be impacting my life right now: sleepiness and stress.

Sleepiness
I tend to sleep in more if I can possibly do it. Part of it is because I feel lazy in the morning. Another part of it is that I hate to feel sleepy. I feel more susceptible to panic attacks. I tend to worry more about driving. I worry that I won't be at my sharpest or wittiest. I worry that the sleepy Jason is no fun to hang out with.

Stress
Nobody likes stress. But for me, I tend to avoid it because again, I feel more susceptible to panic attacks when I'm stressed out. I allow myself to get a little stressed doing tasks that need to be done. I try not to push my stress limits too high, in fear that I may cause myself to panic or lose sleep.

So what do I do? Should I stress myself out on purpose to prove to myself I can cope? Should I force myself to go through a few days on very little sleep?

One thing's for sure: I need not to fear the stress symptoms like tightened muscles, stomach problems, etc. I need to just embrace them as part of life. I need to acknowledge that stress symptoms will go away on their own and just let them be.

For example, this weekend, I had a great time at the Aquarium and Fisherman's Wharf with Lyla. But I felt stressed when I got home because I was feeling anxiety throughout the day. I spent time with crowds all day long and I think the clam chowder was irritating my stomach. So today, I feel a little stressed from fighting the anxiety. My back is tight, my stomach isn't 100% and I feel a little worn out. I just went to the Appeals Board and I was afraid people might think I'm weak for not being 100% alert and sharp and happy, etc. But I realized... who the crap cares? No one probably even noticed. In fact, people who come off as perfect all the time are actually less relate-able. They don't seem real.

So I've made a decision to stop judging myself. I've decided to just be. I'm going to stop trying to be witty and funny and cheerful all the time. I think it will be less stressful and less anxiety-producing in the long run if I just relax and just be whatever I am.

Now, as for the sleepiness thing - I guess the most important thing to change would be to try to get the right amount of quality sleep and if I happen to not get enough sleep, just use that day as practice to combat the fear. I plan on hitting the bed around 10:30 pm every night and waking up every day at 7. Even on the weekends. We'll see how it goes.

Rapid Heartbeat at teh Drive-Thru

Yes that typo in the title was on purpose.

So today I went to Carl's Jr for lunch. I was feeling pretty tired and weak. I had gotten only 3 hours of sleep, and I had barely eaten anything in the last 16 hours or so. So I was already physically shaky. I was also pretty stressed: I had some arguments with close people recently, I had just gotten a speeding ticket like 2 hours before, and my sleep schedule has been completely out of whack.

That being said, when I pulled up to the drive-thru, my heart started to pound. I looked behind me and there was only one car and I could easily just drive to the side instead of going through the drive-thru. But instead I decided that it would be good practice. I pretty much knew why I was having anxiety: lack of sleep and excess of stress, and I knew nothing terrible could happen. It was just a matter of reminding myself of that while my heart pounded.

So I drove forward. I have to admit; i did have my $20 bill ready so that way I could get through it as fast as possible, but I still got through it. I just sat through the 5 car line drive-thru while my heart beat rapidly against my chest. I reminded myself that it's not a heart attack; I didn't have any chest pain. Plus, my heart beats rapidly all the time when I exercise. I also read that people's hearts can beat rapidly for a long long period of time without any damage... days even. Hearts are stronger than people give them credit for.

So I got through it and actually I feel great now. I think I tend to feel worse when avoid situations rather than when I confront them.