Realizations

I don't know if I've ever acknowledged this before. It's so basic. I've got a fear of 2 things that seem to be impacting my life right now: sleepiness and stress.

Sleepiness
I tend to sleep in more if I can possibly do it. Part of it is because I feel lazy in the morning. Another part of it is that I hate to feel sleepy. I feel more susceptible to panic attacks. I tend to worry more about driving. I worry that I won't be at my sharpest or wittiest. I worry that the sleepy Jason is no fun to hang out with.

Stress
Nobody likes stress. But for me, I tend to avoid it because again, I feel more susceptible to panic attacks when I'm stressed out. I allow myself to get a little stressed doing tasks that need to be done. I try not to push my stress limits too high, in fear that I may cause myself to panic or lose sleep.

So what do I do? Should I stress myself out on purpose to prove to myself I can cope? Should I force myself to go through a few days on very little sleep?

One thing's for sure: I need not to fear the stress symptoms like tightened muscles, stomach problems, etc. I need to just embrace them as part of life. I need to acknowledge that stress symptoms will go away on their own and just let them be.

For example, this weekend, I had a great time at the Aquarium and Fisherman's Wharf with Lyla. But I felt stressed when I got home because I was feeling anxiety throughout the day. I spent time with crowds all day long and I think the clam chowder was irritating my stomach. So today, I feel a little stressed from fighting the anxiety. My back is tight, my stomach isn't 100% and I feel a little worn out. I just went to the Appeals Board and I was afraid people might think I'm weak for not being 100% alert and sharp and happy, etc. But I realized... who the crap cares? No one probably even noticed. In fact, people who come off as perfect all the time are actually less relate-able. They don't seem real.

So I've made a decision to stop judging myself. I've decided to just be. I'm going to stop trying to be witty and funny and cheerful all the time. I think it will be less stressful and less anxiety-producing in the long run if I just relax and just be whatever I am.

Now, as for the sleepiness thing - I guess the most important thing to change would be to try to get the right amount of quality sleep and if I happen to not get enough sleep, just use that day as practice to combat the fear. I plan on hitting the bed around 10:30 pm every night and waking up every day at 7. Even on the weekends. We'll see how it goes.